All (due) Respect

wadr-logoI found myself prefacing a comment on facebook last week with the phrase “with all due respect.”  Admittedly, that was more filler than thoughtful; if what followed felt like a blow, I added the preface to soften it.

Then I got to thinking about respect.  My mind can’t go there without quickly passing through 2 thoughts.  The first, of course, comes courtesy of Aretha Franklin. Thank you, Ms. Franklin.

The second thought is from a time when I was in youth ministry. Trying to counsel a high school student through his parent’s divorce, I was struck with an insight that, honestly, impressed me.

I had been encouraging the young man to treat his parents with respect because they deserved it.  I’m a parent, and I like that line of reasoning.

On the other hand, I knew some of the choices his parents were making were not good choices.

In other words, they were not, in many ways, earning respect.

So, here’s that insight that surprised and impressed me: “Sometimes,” I said, “you have to treat people with respect because you want to be that kind of person. Someone who treats others with respect.”

(You might wonder why that so surprised – and impressed – to think of such a common sensical sort of thing.  Be patient with me; I’m still learning this thing called life.)

We who are parents like to think we can command the respect of our children simply because we are parents.  While I would agree we should be able to get some mileage out of this, if the ONLY basis you have for expecting your children to treat you with respect is ‘I’m the parent, that’s why!’ then I’m afraid you are going to be in for a lot of disappointment and heartache.

With all due respect, parents (and adults in general), let’s act in ways that deserve respect rather than just demanding we be treated with respect.

Let’s start with treating others with respect. Whether we feel they deserve it or not. Let’s respect others because of who we are.

 

Projection Rejection

One of the most challenging part of learning to work at McDonald’s in high school was grasping the “customer is always right” mantra.

Is the customer, indeed, always right?  Of course not. But if it costs you a little this time and they return as a customer, many stores choose to err on the side in favor of the customer always being right.

It just struck me that many of the customers are likely aware of this dictum.  And yet very, very few take advantage of it in a dishonest way.  I suppose you might say there is a broad-based social agreement in favor of respecting others. Whether I am the customer or the cashier, I am more focused on getting through my day as well as I can than I am on cheating someone else out of something.

But is this really a fair assumption? The tension I read on social media and see and hear on newsfeed might have one believe otherwise.

Some of us are indeed very suspicious that most everyone else out there is really out to get the better of us, to cheat us or hurt us or take advantage of us.

There is, it seems, an awful lot of suspicion of the other going around.  I’m not sure this has increased recently, but perhaps it has.  I know social media magnifies it.

As I contemplated an assumption of a broad-based social agreement of respect in terms of this (seemingly) increased level of mistrust and disrespect, and was stopped dead in my tracks with this:

How much of our increased mistrust and disrespect finds its source in projection?

When I am less trusting, it is often because I feel less trustworthy myself.   When I am feeling good about myself, I tend to be more generous and trusting of others.

I wouldn’t presume to tell you that all of your issues or suspicions or mistrust of some other person or group of people is entirely your projection of your own fear or lack of confidence or uncertainty or dissatisfaction with yourself.

But I will offer you this challenge: will you join me in rejecting the projecting of your own stuff onto others?

The more of us who do this, the more space, I believe, we create for the presence of the Kingdom of God here and now.